The Gentler Scent Of Two Day Old Urine

My favorite reader is back in action. This time, instead of verbally pissing on Tales From A Bar, he is defending his favorite libation…The Old Fashioned. I have to give him credit for being passionate about his cocktail of choice and if he ever strolls into my bar…the first round is on me. It’s the least I can do in return for receiving such entertaining comments.

: Alright, look… About your “Ten most annoying cocktails”… This is
coming from personal opinion. As far as most of those cocktails, I agree
wholeheartedly.

While a Mojito tastes good, it’s a bitch to make. Whoever heard of ordering
mold in liquor? Way to ruin a good Martinit.

Jagerbombs? waste of good Jagermeister if you ask me. If you want caffeine
and liquor, use vodka and something else (I have a cutely named recipe to
that end, if you’re interested).

Far as egg in a drink, Egg n’ Grog or Eggnog is about as far as I’m willing
to go there, and only if I am the one making it.

I hate the mere idea of blended drinks. A margarita was originally a
cocktail, not a monstrosity made in a blender and served in a glass that
looks like a breast with giant nipples. Unless you can charge enough to
make a killing getting somebody fifty sheets to the wind with one drink,
leave the damn blender shut in  a cabinet somewhere.

Now is where I, as a Bourbon drinker since long before I was of legal
drinking age, get a bit upset. I am of the opinion that the Manhattan and
the Old Fashioned are the ONLY ways to serve bourbon in mixed drinks. Sure,
if somebody wants some monstrosity with bourbon in it, you comply or you
don’t even get a smile.

The Old Fashioned (despite the muddling) is the only drink I have ever had
that really brings out the flavors of  a truly good bourbon. It has citrus
to blend with the subtle caramel flavored sugars of most bourbons, cherry
to add to the oaky sweetness, sugar to balance, and bitters to give it an
interesting kick. Despite being adulterated, it still tastes sweet, smoky,
oak tinged with a hint of vanilla and caramel as a good Bourbon should.
That’s just basic flavorings obvious from a swallow and an exhale through
the nose. It gets better. At the same time, it’s balanced, looks great in a
glass (screw the double swizzle sticks though.. come up with a garnish that
doesn’t piss off traditional neat shot drinkers.) and doesn’t turn the
flavors of the Bourbon down.

While you may not be a fan of muddling, I’m the kind of guy who’d hand you
$20+ in tips at the world’s most terrible dive bar, as long as you could
make a proper Old Fashioned.
It’s the first mixed drink I had from a classic lineup of good cocktails,
but the only beverage that I can sit on a barstool and make love to other
than good beer and top notch gin.

I know, you may not like it, but it has its merits. If you’ve never had
one, make one slowly in your off hours, without deadline or care, and enjoy
it slowly in your favorite season’s weather. Drink one in silence and
isolation, without any pressure to sling a drink before the customer gets
fed up with waiting.

I know, I’m biased, but as a man who has been downing Bourbon for six years
straight,  there’s only one drink I’ve truly fallen in love with, and
that’s the Old Fashioned.

As an interesting side note, I once had a local tender royally fuck one up
and sub a lemon wedge for an orange wedge. Sweet Jesus upon the White
Throne, I have never been so disgusted in my life. It was barely
palatable…. Yet instead of that warm, pleasant feeling that I’d normally
feel with a good, spicy burger, gave me a horrible series of burps that
tasted of lemons, bitters, and tobasco. That night did NOT end well.

My apologies for my rambling. I’m rather wordy away from people, but short
winded and laugh garnering around people, and I do so love my Old
Fashioned…