About nine years ago…the owners of the bar I work at put all the bartenders through a three day class from Bar Stars focusing on the technical aspects of the profession…mainly the art of free pouring accurate and various portions of an ounce using both hands simultaneously. In an effort to speed up our productivity…we were told that if we passed the course…we could ditch our jiggers forever and free pour away. Of course, we all passed with flying colors and have been jigger free ever since. Any bartender worth his salt on the rim understands that jiggers add a thousand extra steps to every shift. Jiggers are a crutch and should be utilized by rookie bartenders only. If you can’t master the count…you would be better fitted working in a brew pub pouring beer for college kids or at a winery serving cork dorks…not mixing cocktails at a bar. So tonight…I came in for my shift and was immediately informed by my donkey of a manager that a new policy was now in place. All bartenders have to use jiggers as of this evening. I almost shit myself. Are you fucking kidding me? Why don’t you take a few jiggers and stuff them up your ass! Would you tell Michael Phelps he had to swim in the Olympics wearing a fucking pink flotation vest? Seriously, go fuck yourself…the last thing I want to do is strap on a set of training wheels in the race to make my living. I expressed numerous thoughts on the absurdity of what they were asking us to do, and completely ignored the new agenda…happily free pouring for the beginning of the night. However, after a few scoldings, followed with the threat of being written up, I finally made a valid attempt to use my jigger. What a joke. At the end of the evening…I took some duct tape and attached four jiggers between the fingers on my left hand and showed the creation to my manager…look…I am Edward Jiggerhands! The jackass didn’t laugh. I did. Fuck jiggers.
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