Wild Drunks

I enjoy bartending throughout the chaotic holiday season. We are extremely busy this time of the year and tips increase dramatically. This is a great opportunity to put my head down, pay off those lingering bills, and possibly even put a little aside for a rainy day. It’s crunch time in my line of work. Considering I could give a flying fuck about Christmas and don’t actively participate in this absurd tradition…it’s also very entertaining for me to watch everyone stress out as they go through the motions. So tonight…I had a gentleman sit with me for the first half of my shift sipping on Captain and Coke’s. He told me he was waiting for his wife to finish Christmas shopping. Translation: His wife was out spending money they probably didn’t have on frivolous gifts and he was drowning the impending debt with rum. Over the course of four hours he enjoyed five cocktails. He was a big guy, polite, and never showed the slightest signs of intoxication. I have to admit I was caught off guard at the events that followed. When his wife finally came to pick him up with her arms heavily adorned with shopping bags and looking a few Cosmo’s deep…he tripped getting off his bar stool and landed…in incredibly dramatic fashion…directly on his face…with an audible thud…right at her feet. The only way it could have been more impressive is if he had somehow managed to throw in a backflip. I gave the bar stool dive a nine out of ten. As he lay sprawled face down…his hideous wife began repeatedly screaming at me, “This is all your fault!” Really you ridiculous woman? It’s your incessant shopping that drove him to drink and dive. Blame Christmas…not me. I tried not to display my amusement with the situation as he peeled himself off the floor and they stumbled out in embarrassment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5E5TjkDvU0 Happy holidays!