Intellectually Lazy

People who ask the bartender stupid questions aren’t necessarily stupid…or even ignorant…they are intellectually lazy. Some customers would rather proudly ask imbecilic questions than put forth the slightest effort of a thought process. Here are just five I hear on a nightly basis:

1. Can I ask you a question? You just did jackass. Clearly you have the ability to ask me a question. Of course, I will humor you and say, “Yes.” Now I am really looking forward to finding out if your second question is dumber than your first.
2. Do you live around here? No. I live in Taiwan, but since the tips are so extravagant here…including the one you are about to leave me…I fly in five times a week to provide you with answers.
3. What is your name? Justifiably, this is not really a stupid question…unless you have been sitting at the bar for more than a minute. It’s pretty fucking obvious I have not just one name, but many…Bartender, Hey, Hey Hey, Hey Pal, Yo, Yo Yo, Yo Yo Yo, Barkeep, Dude, Buddy, My Friend, Hey My Friend, Bro, etc. I even have secret Native American Indian names…Various Whistles, Frantic Hand Gestures, and Snapping Fingers.
4.  What’s good? How about a wonderfully refreshing cocktail of Well…What The Fuck Do You Like To Drink? I Forgot My Psychic Abilities At Home That Help Me Determine What A Complete Stranger Deems As…Good? You really should try it. It’s my specialty.
5. Is the bathroom close? No. In an effort to better serve our customers…we placed it a few miles away…we believe the exercise will be beneficial for you. Here is a map. Last call is in twenty minutes…so if you want another drink…you had better hurry.