People who ask the bartender stupid questions aren’t necessarily stupid…or even ignorant…they are intellectually lazy. Some customers would rather proudly ask imbecilic questions than put forth the slightest effort of a thought process. Here are just five I hear on a nightly basis:
- Can I ask you a question? You just did jackass. Clearly you have the ability to ask me a question. Of course, I will humor you and say, “Yes.” Now I am really looking forward to finding out if your second question is dumber than your first.
- Do you live around here? No. I live in Taiwan, but since the tips are so extravagant here…including the one you are about to leave me…I fly in five times a week to provide you with answers.
- What is your name? Justifiably, this is not really a stupid question…unless you have been sitting at the bar for more than a minute. It’s pretty fucking obvious I have not just one name, but many…Bartender, Hey, Hey Hey, Hey Pal, Yo, Yo Yo, Yo Yo Yo, Barkeep, Dude, Buddy, My Friend, Hey My Friend, Bro, etc. I even have secret Native American Indian names…Various Whistles, Frantic Hand Gestures, and Snapping Fingers.
- What’s good? How about a wonderfully refreshing cocktail of Well…What The Fuck Do You Like To Drink? I Forgot My Psychic Abilities At Home That Help Me Determine What A Complete Stranger Deems As…Good? You really should try it. It’s my specialty.
- Is the bathroom close? No. In an effort to better serve our customers…we placed it a few miles away…we believe the exercise will be beneficial for you. Here is a map. Last call is in twenty minutes…so if you want another drink…you had better hurry.
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