Bar Banter

  1. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar!
  2. A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra…
  3. What is difference between a dog and a fox? About eight beers!
  4. A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer…and a mop!
  5. A man walks into a bar and says…ouch!
  6. How do you know your female bartender is pissed off with you? There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!
  7. A soccer ball rolls into a bar…the bartender kicked him out!
  8. A turkey walks into a bar. The bartender says…Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.
  9. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks!
  10. Charles Dickens walks into a bar and requests a martini. The bartender replies…Olive er twist?
  11. Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!
  12. I have a drinking problem…I don’t have any money!
  13. Tow truck bumper sticker: Drink and Drive
  14. Why should a bartender never serve a snake? Because they can’t hold their liquor!
  15. What is the difference between a bar and a g-spot? Most men have no trouble finding a bar!
  16. How do four gay guys share the last available bar stool? They flip it over!
  17. Rehabilitation is for quitters!
  18. You could be drunk if all the women you see have a twin!
  19. Don’t drink and park. Accidents cause people!
  20. Why didn’t the bartender serve the pair of sunglasses? Because they were already off their head!
  21. Why is beer better than women? You can enjoy beer all month-long!
  22. What did the grape say when he was squeezed? Nothing. He just wined!
  23. My wife drives me to drink. You’re lucky, mine makes me walk!
  24. Why is beer better than religion? You can prove you have one!
  25. Two drunks in deep thought. One says to the other…Well, if your parents never had children, you most likely won’t either.
  26. Why is American beer served cold? So that you can distinguish it from urine!
  27. What do you call a Bohemian that has been thrown out of the bar? A bounced Czech!
  28. What does a drunk walrus and a lady at a tupperware party have in common? They are both looking for a tight seal!
  29. What did the lemmings say when they walked into the bar? Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
  30. Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
  31. What’s the best way to prevent a hangover? Stay drunk.
  32. You can’t score off a beer, but you sure can get some great head!
  33. Finish your drink! There are sober people in China!
  34. Why should you drink at work? It’s an incentive to show up.
  35. Beer: It’s what helps white men dance.
  36. Your may have a drinking problem…if you have a reserved parking space at the liquor store!
  37. A sexy lady walks into a bar and asks for something sweetish. The bartender says…That’s unfortunate. I am Italian.
  38. A bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  39. An amnesiac pulls up a bar stool next to a single women. He turns to her and asks…So do I come here often?
  40. Why should you never drink and drive? Because you might hit a bump in the road and spill your drink!
  41. The doctor told my wife that she should stay away from alcohol. Now she is asking for a divorce.
  42. What is the difference between Santa and a bartender? Santa only has to stare at eight assholes while he works!
  43. What is the new blend of wine called that acts as a diuretic? Pinot More!
  44. I am watching my drinking, so now I only visit bars that have mirrors on the walls.
  45. Who said beer will not make you smarter? It made Bud wiser!
  46. What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk!
  47. You could be a drunk if you believe the only drinking problem you have is not having a drink right now!
  48. What is the problem with drinking and driving? The mourning after!
  49. What is the hardest aspect of tending bar? Figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid!
  50. What is a mans idea of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand!
  51. Eat, drink, and re-marry!
  52. What did Jesus say when he walked into the bar? I will just have a glass of water!
  53. A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Please no stories!”
  54. Sign in a bar: Those drinking to forget…please pay in advance.
  55. What do American beer and a rowboat have in common? They are both close to water!
  56. A man walks into a bar with a toad perched on his head. When the bartender asked what in the hell that was…the toad responded, “It started off as a wart on my ass and has grown into this!”
  57. You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on!
  58. What is the difference between a proctologist and a bartender? A proctologist only has to look at one asshole at a time!
  59. Alcohol doesn’t get you drunk. Bartenders do!
  60. There is too much blood in my alcohol system!
  61. I got a beer for my wife last night. It was the best trade I ever made!
  62. What did the bartender say when a horse walked into the bar? Why the long face?
  63. Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe people are laughing with you!
  64. A guy walked into a bar celebrating his first blowjob. When the bartender handed him a beer, he said, “Thanks, that should help get this taste out of my mouth!”
  65. How do you get a one-armed drunk out of a tree? Wave!
  66. What is the fastest thing on the indian reservation? The beer truck! What is the second fastest thing? The only sober indian running behind it!
  67. A man walks into a bar and asks if they serve women. The bartender responds, “No, you have to bring your own.”
  68. Why did god make beer? So that the Irish wouldn’t take over the world!
  69. A snail walked into a bar and the bartender immediately kicked him out. A year later the snail re-entered the bar and asked the bartender, “What did you do that for?”
  70. An ugly women walked into a bar and asked the bartender to make her a Zombie. The bartender said, “Looks like god beat me to it.”
  71. Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
  72. Why is drinking wine like watching an opera. Because you can enjoy it even if you don’t understand it!
  73. What is the number one thing that is impossible to say while drunk? “Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.” The second? “Sorry…you are not my type.” Third? “No, I don’t want another drink.”
  74. What do you call a drunk that works in an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic!
  75. A drunk drove up to the bar and put a quarter in the parking meter. When the dial stopped at sixty he couldn’t figure out how he had lost a hundred pounds.
  76. You might be an alcoholic if…you bought your current car based on the fact it has a cool place to hide a six-pack.
  77. A drunk walked into a church and found his way into the confession booth. The priest asked, “What do you need my son?” To which the drunk replied, “Toilet paper. Is there any on your side?”
  78. An alcoholic was taken into court. The judge said, “Sir, you have been brought here for drinking.” The drunk said, “Great! When do we get started.”
  79. What happened to the drunk Asian guy with a boner when he walked into a wall? He smashed his nose!
  80. Two gay guys walk into a bar…they deserve it!
  81. A bear walks into a bar and orders a rum and………………coke. The bartender says, “Sure thing buddy, but what’s with the big paws?”
  82. Why is beer better than a girlfriend? Because there are laws saying that the beer label can’t lie to you.
  83. What is the difference between a drunk and a stoned driver? The drunk driver runs through stop signs…the stoned driver stops and waits for them to turn green.
  84. What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked in? “Ok you two…don’t start anything.”
  85. What is sex like for a guy who just drank twenty beers. Shooting pool with a rope!
  86. Two gay guys are walking past a funeral parlor. One asks the other, “Do you want to go in and suck down a few cold ones?”
  87. Two condoms are walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says, “Hey, you wanna go get shit faced?”
  88. A mushroom walked into a bar and the bartender immediately asked him to leave. “Why?” said the mushroom. “I am a fun guy!”
  89. Why does beer go through your system so fast? Because it doesn’t have to stop to change color.
  90. You might be drunk…if you ask the beertender for another bar!
  91. How do drunks surf the web? On the ginternet!
  92. You know you have had too much whiskey when…you to go to brush something off your shoulder and find out it’s the floor.
  93. Why didn’t Hitler drink tequila? Because it made him mean!
  94. In dog beers…I have only had one.
  95. A font walked into a bar. The bartender immediately said, “Get out! We don’t serve your type in here.”
  96. A duck walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He told the bartender to put it on his bill.
  97. A guy walks into a bar and orders a Less. The puzzled bartender asks, “What is in that? I have never heard of it.” The man replies, “All I know is that my doctor suggested I drink less.”
  98. What is a rednecks favorite wine? White Trashfindel!
  99. Why did the alcoholic put Viagra in his scotch? Because he wanted a stiff drink!
  100. Why didn’t the bartender serve the golf club? Because he knew he would be driving later!
  101. A dog walks into a bar and says, “Hey bartender, it’s my birthday! How a about a free drink?” The bartender replies, “Sure buddy, the toilet is just down the hall.”
  102. A guy walked into a bar and ordered a double. The bartender brought out someone who looked just like him.
  103. What did Vincent Van Gogh say when someone offered to buy him a drink? “No thanks. I’ve got one ear.”
  104. Who said beer makes you gain weight? It made Bud light!
  105. A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying on the floor licking its balls. He turns to the bartender and says, “Damn, I wish I could do that.” The bartender replies, “You better try petting him first.”
  106. An Irishman walks out of a bar…
  107. Two drunks see a man siphoning gas from a truck. One says to the other, “I hope I never get that thirsty!”
  108. Alcohol is a liquid good for preserving just about everything…except secrets!
  109. What is worse than drinking? Thirst!
  110. A bum walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a straw. The bartender gave him one and asked if he would like a drink to with it. The bum replied, “No thanks, one of your customers just threw in the ally.”
  111. How do you start a parade in the ghetto? Slowly roll a 40 ounce down the street.
  112. A really good magician was walking down an ally and turned into a bar…
  113. A lesbian walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Good timing. We just got a new liquor in.” The lesbian replies, “That’s great! I can’t wait to meet her.”
  114. You might be trailer trash…if you think Dom Perignon is a mob boss.
  115. What do blondes and Corona have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
  116. What would you rather be without? Wine or a woman? It depends on the vintage…of both!
  117. What is the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it’s a misdemeanor!
  118. Why was former President Clinton so interested in the events in the Middle East? Because he thought the Gaza Strip was a topless bar!
  119. If men ruled the world…Sorry I am late, but I’m still drunk from last night…would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  120. What did the deer say to the bartender when asked to pay the tab? “Don’t worry…I had a buck last week and am expecting a little doe soon.”
  121. Why do women prefer gynecologists that suffer from alcoholism? Because they have shaky hands!
  122. A preacher walks into a bar and says, “Anybody who wants to go to heaven…stand up.” Everyone in the bar stands up except for a drunk sitting in the corner. The preacher says, “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?” The drunk replied, “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up there now.”
  123. Why is beer better than religion? Because nobody will kill you for not drinking it.
  124. A man walks into a bar with two black eyes. The bartender says, “Wow! Who gave those to you?” The man replies, “Nobody gave them to me. I had to fight like hell for both of them!”
  125. What did the bartender say when a customer complained about a fly in his wine? “Well…you did say you wanted something with a little body!”
  126. What happened to the drunk the first time he used alcohol as a substitute for women? He got his dick stuck in the bottle!
  127. A guy was sitting at a bar and from time to time kept pouring beer on his right hand. When the bartender asked him why he was doing this, the man replied, “I am getting my date drunk!”
  128. Why didn’t the drunk put ice in his whiskey? He forgot the recipe!
  129. Why did they raise the drinking age in Kentucky to 31? They are trying to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
  130. A policewoman pulled over a drunk driver and arrested him. She said, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” He quickly responded, “Breasts!”
  131. If drinking and driving is illegal, then why do bars have parking lots?
  132. There are only two reasons that men hang out in bars a lot. Either they don’t have a wife to go home to…or they do.
  133. Give a man a fish and he will eat. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!
  134. What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
  135. Santa Clause, Jesus, an honest politician, and an old drunk are walking to a bar when they simultaneously spot a $100 bill on the ground. Who gets to it first? The old drunk. The other three don’t exist!
  136. On New Years Eve, Susan stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck…the bartender was nearly crushed to death.
  137. A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky and then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over. Finally, the bartender asks why he keeps looking into his pocket after every shot of whisky. The man responds, “I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good…I can go home.”
  138. You know you’re a drunk…when alcohol does its taxes and it lists you as a dependent.
  139. Why was William Shakespeare barred from his favorite pub? The bartender was afraid he would create a scene!
  140. What does an alcoholic ghost drink? Boo’s!
  141. Two young blonde women walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Got any ID’s?” One of the blondes stares blankly back and the other responds, “About what?”
  142. I am not an alcoholic. I only drink on two occasions. When it’s my birthday, and when it’s not my birthday.
  143. A guy is sitting at a bar throwing back shot after shot. The bartender becomes a little worried and asks if he is ok. The man replies, “No, I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.” The bartender says, “Ouch. That is horrible. What did you do?” The man responds, “I screamed…BAD DOG, BAD DOG!”
  144. A woman sitting at a bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her that she doesn’t need to do that because he knows how to do it without surgery. He tells her to simply rub toilet paper between them. She asks, “How will that make them bigger?” He replies, “I am not sure, but it worked for your ass.”
  145. Billboard in a French wine store: “We Will Drink Milk When the Cows Will Eat Grapes!”
  146. A bee goes into a bar and leaves two hours later…buzzing.
  147. If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton. This way, my friends will know I am missing.
  148. You might be a redneck…if…the nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement!
  149. It’s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
  150. A non-renewable natural resource walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry pal, I can’t serve you. You have been getting wasted all day.”
  151. Did you hear about the crazy lady who filled her birdbath with margaritas? It was enough tequila mockingbird!

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