Quotes

  1. “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up on reading.” — Henny Youngman
  2. “Work is the curse of the drinking class.” — Oscar Wilde
  3. “He was a wise man who invented beer.” — Plato
  4. “I prefer to think God is not dead, just drunk.” — John Marcellus Huston
  5. “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it is the thirteenth or fourteenth.” — George Burns
  6. “Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it’s compounding a felony.” — Robert Benchley
  7. “Beer is made by men, wine by God.” — Martin Luther
  8. “An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.” — Ernest Hemingway
  9. “To alcohol…the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” Homer Jay Simpson
  10. “I can’t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.” — Phil Harris
  11. “This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.” — Samuel Johnson
  12. “I drink to much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it.” — Rodney Dangerfield
  13. “I know the truth is between the 1st and 40th drink” — Tori Amos
  14. “Life, alas, is very drear. Up with glass, down with the beer!” — Louis Untermeyer
  15. “You can’t be a real country unless you have beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” — Frank Zappa
  16. “Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.” — Catherine Zandonella
  17. “Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” — Sir Winston Churchill
  18. “Beer is the reason I get out of bed in the afternoon.” — Anonymous
  19. “An alcoholic is anyone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” — Dylan Thomas
  20. “A drink a day keeps the shrink away.” –Edward Abbey
  21. “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.” — George Best
  22. “Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.” — Henry Lawson
  23. “I envy people who drink, at least they know what to blame everything on.” –Oscar Levant
  24. “Whiskey is by far the most popular of remedies that won’t cure a cold.” — Jerry Vale
  25. “The difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that a drunk doesn’t have to attend all those meetings.” — Arthur Lewis
  26. “There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit-I mean after drinking 20 or 25 beers the night before. The odor of a beer shit like that spread all around and stayed for a good hour-and-a-half. It made you realize that you were really alive.” — Charles Bukowski
  27. “Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.” — George Bernard Shaw
  28. “I only take a drink on two occasions-when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.” –Brendan Behan
  29. “Bacchus has drowned more men than Neptune.” — Giuseppe Garibaldi
  30. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” — Frank Sinatra
  31. “24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence. I think not.” — Steven Wright
  32. “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” — Dean Martin
  33. “The problem with the world it that everyone is a few drinks behind.” Humphrey Bogart
  34. “Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose…it’s how drunk you get.” — Homer Simpson
  35. “Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger
  36. “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will keep you to keep your mouth shut.” — Ernest Hemmingway
  37. “Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!” — Bill Owen
  38. “I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days had lost exactly two weeks.” — Joe E. Lewis
  39. “People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.” — Capital Brewery
  40. “I don’t need a baby growing in me for nine months. For one thing, there’s morning sickness. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.” — Ellen DeGeneres
  41. “Responsible drinking? Now that’s an oxymoron.” — Aaron Howard
  42. “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” — Benjamin Franklin
  43. “People that drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.” — Ann Landers
  44. “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.” — Terry Pratchett
  45. “The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk…they are sober.” — William Butler Yeats
  46. “Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.” — Bob Marley
  47. “The world needs water. For every bottle of wine you drink, you contribute to conserving the drinking water reserves.” — Paul Emil Victor
  48. “Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself undisturbed by the facts.” — Finley Dunne
  49. “Beer is not a good cocktail party drink, especially in a home where you don’t know where the bathroom is.” — Billy Carter
  50. “A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.” — Louis Pasteur
  51. “Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.” — Alex Levine
  52. “Health…what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.” — Phyllis Diller
  53. “I never trust a man that doesn’t drink.” — John Wayne
  54. “If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with…And then I got home.” — Jim Jefferies
  55. “An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor.” — Alvan Barach
  56. “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” — Dean Martin
  57. “I’m pursuing my lifelong quest for the perfect, the absolutely driest martini to be found in this or any other world. And I think I may have hit on the perfect formula. You pour six jiggers of gin and you drink it while staring at a picture of Lorenzo Schwartz, the inventor of vermouth.” — Hawkeye Pierce from M.A.S.H.
  58. “My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad…but New York?” — Henny Youngman
  59. “On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word. On other days, the liquor store is closed.” — Frank Varano
  60. “I know I am drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.” — Robert Benchley
  61. “There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.” — John Ciandi
  62. “I am gonna drink you pretty.” — The Beat Farmers
  63. “I had to stop drinking, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety” — Richard Pryor
  64. “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck.” — George Carlin
  65. “I drink champagne when I win, to celebrate…and I drink champagne when I lose, to console myself.” — Napoleon Bonaparte
  66. “I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.” — Abraham Lincoln
  67. “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they are going to feel all day.” — Frank Sinatra
  68. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth
  69. “You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.” — Mark Twain
  70. “A good writer is not, per se, a good book critic. No more so than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender.” — Jim Bishop
  71. “We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we would say anything because it was an open bar.” — Megan Mooney
  72. “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield
  73. “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” — Henny Youngman
  74. “Water? Never touch the stuff. Fish fuck in it.” — W.C. Fields
  75. “The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far, but we walk carefully.” — Russian Proverb
  76. “I’m Catholic and I can’t commit suicide, but I plan to drink myself to death.” — Jack Kerouac
  77. “I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cab driver. Then they would really be educated.” — Al Mcguire
  78. “Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide, where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousands lives now.” — Charles Bukowski
  79. “Ignorance is a lot like alcohol: the more you have of it, the less you are able to see its effect on you.” — Jay Bylsma
  80. “Wine is the most healthful and most hygenic of beverages.” — Louis Pasteur
  81. “I would not put a thief in my mouth to steal my brains.” — William Shakespeare
  82. “A man dies too young if he leaves any wine in his cellar.” — André Simon
  83. “Between coffee in the mornings and beer in the evenings, I haven’t seen a proper turd in eight years.” — Travis Ruetenick
  84. “Give me woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” — Kaiser Wilhelm
  85. “It’s alright to drink like a fish…if you drink what a fish drinks.” — Mary Poole
  86. “Man I was an embarrassing drunk. I’d get pulled over by the cops, I’d be so drunk I’d be out dancing in their lights thinking I’d made it to the next club.” — Bill Hicks
  87. “Scotch whiskey is made from barley and the morning dew on angels nipples.” — Warren Ellis
  88. “Hey, my baby fetches me beers, and she’s only four months old! Yeah, I’m a proud dad!” — James Hetfield
  89. “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.” — Benjamin Franklin
  90. “An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.” — Charles Darwin
  91. “There cannot be good living where there is no good drinking.” — Benjamin Franklin
  92. “The Americans are a funny lot. They drink whiskey to keep them warm; then they put some ice in it to make it cool. They put sugar in it to make it sweet, and then they put a slice of lemon in it to make it sour. Then they say…here’s to you…and drink it themselves.” — B.N. Chakravarty
  93. “But my humble opinion is, I’m not quite sure where I stand on the legalization of drugs…though, if tequila is legal, pot should probably be legal.” — Ted Demme
  94. “Not one man in beer commercial has a beer belly.” — Rita Rudner
  95. “Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.” — Ambrose Bierce
  96. “I’m one of those people who’s not really turned on by baseball. My idea of a relief pitcher is one that’s filled with martinis.” — Dean Martin
  97. “Remember, gentleman, it’s not just France we are fighting for, it’s Champagne!” — Winston Churchill
  98. “A drunkard is like a whiskey bottle, all neck and belly and no head.” — Austin O’Malley
  99. “If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget it; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.” — Charles Bukowski
  100. “Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.” — NF Simpson
  101. “I always drank, from when it was legal for me to drink. And there was never a time for me when the goal wasn’t to get as hammered as I could possibly afford to. I never understood social drinking, that’s always seemed to me like kissing your sister.” — Stephen King
  102. “Drugs or overeating or alcohol or sex, it was just another way to find peace. To escape what we know. Our education. Our bite of the apple.” — Chuck Palahniuk
  103. “To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a support group. Salvation in a can.”– Dave Howell
  104. “The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies.” — William Temple
  105. “The worse you are at thinking, the better you are at drinking.” — Terry Goodkind
  106. “Wine is a turncoat; first a friend and then an enemy.” — Henry Fielding
  107. “Too much of anything is bad, but too much of whisky is barely enough.” — Mark Twain
  108. “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me.” — Hunter S. Thompson
  109. “I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I am drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” — Chelsea Handler
  110. “Beer…now there’s a temporary solution.” — Homer Simpson
  111. “A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk.” — Lee Entrekin
  112. “Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman…or a bad woman.” — George Burns
  113. “My doctor tells me I should start slowing down…but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let’s all have another round.” — Willie Nelson
  114. “Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity,  ignorance, greed and love of power.” — P.J. O’Rourke
  115. “The blues is losing someone you love and not having enough money to immerse yourself in drink.” Henry Rollins
  116. “The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.” — Richard Braunstein
  117. “If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror.” — John Mooney
  118. “I drink every night. I still haven’t gotten over the fact that I don’t have school tomorrow.” — T. Sean Shannon
  119. “The only way to have safe sex is to abstain…from drinking.” — Wendy Liebman
  120. “Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure…hooking up with fat, hairy girls.” — Ross Levy
  121. “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.” — Jerry Vale
  122. “In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.” — George Best
  123. “Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.” — Cliff Clavin
  124. “He knows just how I like my martini…full of alcohol.” — Homer Simpson
  125. “To take wine into our mouths is to savour a droplet of the river of human history.” — Clifton Fadiman
  126. “Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty” — Joe Lewis
  127. “Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance.” — Benjamin Franklin
  128. “Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.” — Will Ferrell
  129. “An Irish queer…a fellow who prefers women to drink.” — Sean O’Faolain
  130. “Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.” — Fran Lebowitz
  131. “Good people drink good beer.” — Hunter S. Thompson
  132. “War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.” — William Faulkner
  133. “One should always be drunk. That’s all that matters…but with what? With wine, poetry, or with virtue, as you choose. But get drunk.” — Charles Baudelaire
  134. “I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make. Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake. The sex on the beach. The schnapps made from peach. The velvet hammer. The Alabama slammer. I make things with juice and froth. The pink squirrel. The three-toed sloth. I make drinks sweet and snazzy. The iced tea. The kamakazi. The orgasm. The death spasm. The Singapore sling. The dingaling. America you’ve just been devoted to every flavor I got. But if you want to get loaded…why don’t you just order a shot? Bar is open!” — Brian Flanagan
  135. “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Clause, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” — W.C. Fields
  136. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Years Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” — P. J. O’Rourke
  137. “Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.” — Al Bundy
  138. “The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.” — Charlie Sheen
  139. “I will quit coffee. It won’t be easy drinking my Bailey’s straight, but I’ll get used to it. It’ll still be the best part of waking up.” — Megan Mullally
  140. “The one conclusion I have reached is that whiskey is a great leveler. You might be a hotshot advertising executive or a lowly foundry worker, but if you cannot hold your drink, you are just a drunkard.” — Vikas Swarup
  141. “Alcohol removes inhibitions…like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted…Now bring on that damn cat!” — Eleanor Early
  142. “It’s like gambling somehow. You go our for a night of drinking and you don’t know where your going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It’s like the throw of the dice.” — Jim Morrison
  143. “A life of booze, drugs and unprotected sex is only going to fuck you up! I mean, look at me!” — Ozzy Osbourne
  144. “I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, the least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.” — P. J. O’Rourke
  145. “By the time a bartender knows what drink a man will have before he orders, there is little else about him worth knowing.” — Don Marquis
  146. “Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping…or attaches the name of St. Patrick to the day of the year that bartenders fear most.” — Jon Anderson
  147. “I am such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.” — Jarod Kintz
  148. “Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber through the chambers of my brain…quaintest thoughts…queerest fancies come to life and fade away. Who cares how time advances? I am drinking ale today.” — Edgar Allen Poe
  149. “As a kid, when I would hurt myself my mom would rub alcohol on it. Which is why I drink, I’m just putting the alcohol on where it hurts the most…the inside.” — Jason Santana
  150. “Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.” — Sammy Davis, Jr.
  151. “Now tequila may be the favored beverage of outlaws but that doesn’t mean it gives them preferential treatment. In fact, tequila probably has betrayed as many outlaws as has the central nervous system and dissatisfied wives. Tequila, scorpion honey, harsh dew of the doglands, essence of Aztec, creme de cacti; tequila, oily and thermal like the sun in solution; tequila, the buzzard god who copulates in midair with the ascending souls of dying virgins; tequila, firebug in the house of good taste; oh tequila, savage water of sorcery, what confusion and mischief your sly, rebellious drops do generate!” — Tom Robbins

2 Responses to Quotes

  1. c moore says:
    February 1, 2013 at 4:26 am

    Great! Thanks for these. Nice to see that Plato enjoyed the booze. Supposedly brewing alcohol is what brought us civilisation, at first anthropologists thought it was farming but now they reckon it was brewing. So drink for our forefathers and bask in the glory of humanity.

    Reply

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